How Much Before You Say No More
The past few months have been difficult for several friends of mine. Conflicts over misunderstandings compounded by lack of communication compounded by miscommunication compounded by rumors and untruths. My loyalties have been stretched beyond their limits and still I held on because that’s the person I am. I have sacrificed myself on that hill for others in the past, I will continue to do so for others in the future.
One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life is to give up on someone. In my entire life I have only done it twice.
I might be looking at a third time now. I don’t know.
Whatever the situation is now, this is not by my choice. I have worked hard to find a path for them to help them. I have spent my time, energy, credibility, and sanity on them. I feel like some of my own friends have started to steer clear of me because of my association with this one person for whom I have a loyalty I can not just dismiss out of hand, thus trapping me in between people in ways that I should never have had to deal with. A situation even they admitted I didn’t deserve.
I can’t blame my other friends for their seeming withdrawal, but that doesn’t change the fact that real or not it hurts like hell to feel this way. But I must acknowledge that my own perspectives have been skewed and it’s going to take me a while to get a handle on such things again. If any of you read this then consider it a request for understanding on my part and a chance to reach back and forth across any gap that has grown between us.
For the time being it seems that this one person has dismissed me from their life entirely now and there may simply be nothing I can do about that. Or should do about that. If years of loyalty to them and supporting them means so little that one honest statement during such hard times coming from me, one of the few remaining people in their corner, is enough to write me off than there is a clear lesson in that.
Maybe they will wake up and realize what they have done. Maybe they won’t. Even if they do, will they attempt to resolve this situation? Who knows. Certainly I don’t. I understand stubbornness and how ingrained never apologizing is for them. But my loyalty to them is such that I’ll hear them out. No matter what else might be true I do still care about their well being. They have been through years of difficult times and I bear a responsibility in that. Because of these things and more I will always want the best for them. It is who I am.
I know the terrible troubles they have been through. I know them better than anyone as the only person who was ever completely confided in. I know the emotional storms they passed through that would distort their heart and mind, the fears that would cause them to act out in ways that were irrational and hurtful. I also knew the times when things were well, when they had control and mastery over their own nature, and at those times they could achieve great things, be deeply generous, and even powerful.
None of which should be taken as anything other than some entirely to brief glimpse into why I have done what I have done for them over the years, caring for their well being. Now it seems that care is no longer requested or required of me.
I need to care about my own well being too.
I have been spending a lot of time over the past couple of years in particular trying to relearn gratitude. Trying to relearn my own boundaries and limits so that I would know better how to not hurt myself overextending to help everyone I hold so dear. I have been carefully harboring my resources so that I could fulfill my dreams.
I have been trying to relearn my own value and how to be better at not letting others words and actions make me doubt it. As cheesy as it sounds I have been very grateful to the wisdom of my “wizards community” and the guidance they provide in seeing things differently and with purpose.
The world has changed and if resolution is what this one person wants, there is going to be a whole lot of work that would need to be done before it can happen. I will listen, happily, to what they have to say. There will be things I will be listening for though. Important things. I hope that I will hear them.
It is a terrible burden to lose someone whom you have invested so much in to. But this is what they seem to have chosen. I haven’t given up on them. I’m not prepared to do so.
But all I can do for now is go forward and see what happens next.