Category Archives: Uncategorized

How Much Before You Say No More

The past few months have been difficult for several friends of mine.  Conflicts over misunderstandings compounded by lack of communication compounded by miscommunication compounded by rumors and untruths.  My loyalties have been stretched beyond their limits and still I held on because that’s the person I am.  I have sacrificed myself on that hill for others in the past, I will continue to do so for others in the future.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life is to give up on someone.  In my entire life I have only done it twice.

I might be looking at a third time now.  I don’t know.

Whatever the situation is now, this is not by my choice.  I have worked hard to find a path for them to help them.  I have spent my time, energy, credibility, and sanity on them.  I feel like some of my own friends have started to steer clear of me because of my association with this one person for whom I have a loyalty I can not just dismiss out of hand, thus trapping me in between people in ways that I should never have had to deal with.  A situation even they admitted I didn’t deserve.  

I can’t blame my other friends for their seeming withdrawal, but that doesn’t change the fact that real or not it hurts like hell to feel this way.  But I must acknowledge that my own perspectives have been skewed and it’s going to take me a while to get a handle on such things again.  If any of you read this then consider it a request for understanding on my part and a chance to reach back and forth across any gap that has grown between us.

For the time being it seems that this one person has dismissed me from their life entirely now and there may simply be nothing I can do about that.  Or should do about that.  If years of loyalty to them and supporting them means so little that one honest statement during such hard times coming from me, one of the few remaining people in their corner, is enough to write me off than there is a clear lesson in that.

Maybe they will wake up and realize what they have done.  Maybe they won’t.  Even if they do, will they attempt to resolve this situation?  Who knows.  Certainly I don’t.  I understand stubbornness and how ingrained never apologizing is for them.   But my loyalty to them is such that I’ll hear them out.  No matter what else might be true I do still care about their well being.  They have been through years of difficult times and I bear a responsibility in that.  Because of these things and more I will always want the best for them.  It is who I am.

I know the terrible troubles they have been through.  I know them better than anyone as the only person who was ever completely confided in.  I know the emotional storms they passed through that would distort their heart and mind, the fears that would cause them to act out in ways that were irrational and hurtful.  I also knew the times when things were well, when they had control and mastery over their own nature, and at those times they could achieve great things, be deeply generous, and even powerful.

None of which should be taken as anything other than some entirely to brief glimpse into why I have done what I have done for them over the years, caring for their well being.  Now it seems that care is no longer requested or required of me.

I need to care about my own well being too.

I have been spending a lot of time over the past couple of years in particular trying to relearn gratitude.  Trying to relearn my own boundaries and limits so that I would know better how to not hurt myself overextending to help everyone I hold so dear.  I have been carefully harboring my resources so that I could fulfill my dreams.

I have been trying to relearn my own value and how to be better at not letting others words and actions make me doubt it.  As cheesy as it sounds I have been very grateful to the wisdom of my “wizards community” and the guidance they provide in seeing things differently and with purpose.

The world has changed and if resolution is what this one person wants, there is going to be a whole lot of work that would need to be done before it can happen.  I will listen, happily, to what they have to say.  There will be things I will be listening for though.  Important things.  I hope that I will hear them.

It is a terrible burden to lose someone whom you have invested so much in to.  But this is what they seem to have chosen.  I haven’t given up on them.  I’m not prepared to do so. 

But all I can do for now is go forward and see what happens next.


Ambush Artist


Tomorrow I am doing a community service thing with my office. We’re going to go to a senior center and help out with a party they are throwing for the residents.

In theory this is a good thing. Even in practice it is a good thing.

Except I’m scared.

Okay, here’s the thing. First off I was thrown under the bus by the person who arranged this because while everyone else in the office is just going to be helping with decorations and serving food, I am going to be entertaining. I wasn’t asked if I wanted to. I was volunteered.

And by now if you know me you know exactly how I feel about being volunteered without my knowledge or consent.

But this particular one goes a little deeper for me.

My grandmother used to be a nurse in a nursing home. And one year, when I was in about 6th , my school decided it would be a good thing to go to the nursing home and put on a show. It was some kind of a Christmas program as I recall, involving a bunch of “cute kids” singing carols and passing out gifts and cards to the residents.

This is a good thing. Both in theory and in practice. I know that such places are starved for entertainment and for general human interaction. I know that residents of such places are very lonely.

And it has been pointed out that magicians use such opportunities to build their shows and perform for an audience that is deeply appreciative. And can even make some decent money doing so, though obviously there are better reasons than just dollars to do such things.

Except I’m scared.

See, during that little Christmas show I was a part of all those years ago, I walked the halls of the facility passing out cards and gifts. At one point I stopped and handed a card to an elderly lady but before I could move on she grabbed my hand and began crying. She clutched my hand and arm so hard that I would have had a very difficult time escaping without hurting her. She tried to pull me in closer to her and while I know intellectually that she had no ill intentions, emotionally I was never prepared for that and there were no adults in the immediate vicinity to help me.

I found myself holding very still and listening and doing the best job a kid that young could do to try and comfort her, to make her feel a little less lonely, and through all of it I was very scared. I didn’t know or understand back then just how difficult it can be for people in such facilities. I didn’t have the maturity to deal with it.

It wasn’t long before an adult came along and got me out of that situation. Maybe no more than a minute. But clearly that situation has stayed with me far longer than I ever realized.

Now, I’ve been ambushed again. This time by one of my own co-workers by offering me up without asking me in advance. But I’m not shying away from this either.

Those fears that I thought were long gone have re-emerged. I understand them much better. I am not as worried about them as once I was. I am even eager to engage and perform for these people because I have a much better understanding of them and their emotional load.

And I have that little touch of fear but the tools I need to be able to face it and overcome it.

I don’t anticipate it will be a huge challenge honestly. I mean until this whole thing came up I didn’t realize I was still carrying around any of those feelings at all. But it’s good to know that I am going in to this situation prepared and more focused than I ever have before.

What will be most interesting to me in the end of this is how they will receive me. I will not be doing a lot of entertaining. Only about 15 minutes. But, after circumventing the person in my office who arranged this, I spoke with the entertainment director at the Senior Center and what started out as my being thrown under the bus has now become a kind of audition.

You see, they’d like to be able to have a magician they can bring in more frequently to do shows for them. They were looking in to it already when my name came up. So now, for them and for myself, I will be going in with a much better feeling and attitude. I’ll challenge my old fear and be free of it, and if all goes well, I’ll come out of it not just better internally, but better externally with a contact and a future venue.

All from a small ambush.

What I Did On Summer Vacation

Okay, look, I know that all of you in Facebook land who care saw lots of pictures, but I still think a summary is in order here. For me if nobody else. I like to get it all in to a nice little package at the end.

In the interest of full disclosure there are a few things you should know up front:

  • Ostensibly this was a trip to celebrate my father-in-laws 75th birthday
  • I didn’t pick the time of year to go to Orlando. That happened due to other management
  • Due to the timing it was actually closer to his 75.5th birthday
  • Yes it was freaking hot. I know, I was there.
  • While we are big Disney fans, the truth is we were much more excited about going to Harry Potter Land. Get over it. It was worth it.
  • I highly recommend having a father-in-law who is retired military and can get awesome level guest passes for you. For about half the price of two day park hoppers for Universal and Disney we ended up with four day park hoppers for both. This gave us pretty much unlimited freedom while we were there.

Okay, so, we stayed at a Doubletree Resort which put us approximately ten minutes from Universal Orlando and twenty minutes from Disney World. In other words, the perfect spot. Weirdly the Doubletree Resort had things like an arcade, miniature golf course, people sized checkers and checker board, an outdoor pool table, and multiple pools, along with the other regular amenities. It was very strange. Our room was pretty much standard Doubletree fair, but no refrigerator. Called the front desk to deal with that because although not necessary I do prefer to keep my insulin refrigerated whenever I can. And of course it makes a good place to store extra snacks and water bottles.

Flight out wasn’t to bad even having to get up at 3am, but it was still late afternoon by the time we got there. We had just about enough time to get to the hotel, decompress briefly from the flight, and then meet up with family in the Universal City Walk for dinner.

So, if you don’t know, Universal Orlando is basically divided up in to four areas; The City Walk which is pretty much like Downtown Disney (lots of shops, restaurants, and a theater), Hollywood Studios where you’ll find a lot of their rides and attractions, Volcano Bay which is basically a giant water park, and Islands of Adventure which is more rides and attractions.

Most of the restaurants around there seem to be loud and themed-kitchy. In other words not my thing. But this is central to everyone and we’re there for all the adventuring to be had, so loud and themed-kitchy is the order of the day. We tried to go to Margaritaville, which I’ve been to one before and was very not impressed, but this one had a really long wait and none of us were in the mood for that. We ended up in a place called “Grill & Brew” which was basically a sports bar type place. Food was mostly adequate, service was terrible. I say “mostly adequate” because most of us got something edible but one of our party literally (yes, I do mean literally) got mashed potatoes that you could bounce your fork off of. When I say the service was terrible this is because when this unfortunate mashed potato situation was pointed out he got another order from the same batch. Words and discounts were had but I wouldn’t really recommend the place.

Anyway, if you want to do the whole Harry Potter Experience ( tm ), you will need to get a park hopper pass. This is because half of it is in Hollywood Studios (Kings Cross Station and Diagon Alley) and half of it is in Islands of Adventure (Hogsmead). The two are connected by The Hogwards Express but you can’t ride if you don’t have that park hopper.

We did. It’s worth it. Ride it both directions because different things happen going each way.

We started off in Hogsmead because most of the rides are there. The two competing “dragon” roller coasters, The Dragon Challenge, were totally awesome and if you do it right you can ride them one immediately after the other. We did. Got a little wozy by the time we got off the second one riding them in such rapid succession. It was good.

There is the Flight of The Hippogriff roller coaster that is basically a kids coaster but it’s got some moves and was fun.

Harry Potter and The Forbidden Journey was a pretty good ride but I had some trouble with it as it mixes live and video interactive elements and the video stuff tends to set me off a bit because I tend to see the off sync nature of the video versus your actual movements. But it was still really fun and worth the slight dizzy I get.

There are multiple Olivander’s Wand Shops as well as carts and other places you can buy wands. You can buy “interactive” wands or not. The “interactive” wands allow you to manipulate/activate little attractions all around the parks. Not unsurprisingly we got “interactive” wands and it wasn’t long before I was helping people figure out how to properly use them. I did start to wish I had brought my wand holster.

Riding the Hogwarts Express was a great way to get over to the other park. One of the cool things is that when you walk out of Kings Cross station it just dumps you into Hollywood Studios. You have to go looking for the way in to Diagon Alley. It’s not hard to find, but it’s not obvious either. If you aren’t looking for it you could walk right passed and you wouldn’t know.

That being said, we walked in and it was really amazing. As cool as Hogsmead was, this was more so. Because of the way it’s hidden and how you get in, you really do feel like you are walking in to a “hidden world”. The architecture is exactly as you would expect based on the movies but standing there makes a huge difference.

Of course we went into the Weasley’s joke shop. And you can get so pretty amusing stuff there. The Leaky Cauldron is there, and although we took a quick look in, we didn’t really stop for a bite there.

But the real stars of Diagon Alley are the Escape from Gringot’s ride, and Nocturn Alley. Escape from Gringot’s is another ride that combines live action and video action, but I actually found it much smoother and it didn’t set me off. It was an excellent ride and a lot of fun.

But Nocturn Alley…..

Oh my friends, Nocturn Alley….

Again, you have to go looking for it. You know it’s got to be there somewhere but if you aren’t looking you could miss it. We didn’t. And as immersive as walking in to Diagon Alley was, Nocturn Alley was more so. Standing there was the deepest I felt I could get in to actually being in the Harry Potter universe. It was amazing.

The next day we headed out to Kennedy Space Center for several hours. One could easily spend several days there but we just didn’t have the time. What we did have time for was to visit Shuttle Atlantis. Which we did, and which I cried over, and which I wrote about already. But I will say this much again here – the nation we were that could do those things is a nation I wish we would be again. Yes, we’ve grown and improved many things, but socially we’ve taking huge steps backwards since then and we won’t survive if that continues to be the case. Okay, enough of that.

Once we were done there we headed back to the Universal City Walk, ostensibly to meet up with the family, get dinner, and do some more rides. That only partially worked out. The rest of the family had already gotten in to Margaritaville (some are very determined). Laurie and I decided on Vivo, a nice Italian place. And I do mean nice. We sat down in a very quiet place, had a fabulous meal, discussed various things including our need for quiet meals when we are on trips like these as this is a part of our way to decompress or at least regroup before tackling anything else.

Once we were done we headed back out only to discover that the rest of the family was still at Margaritaville, but getting very annoyed because they couldn’t get out. No waiter, no bill, once bill arrived, complaints and coupons apparently. Such is the way of things, but through observation I am once again convinced that I don’t really have a need to ever go to another one. My one time long ago was enough.

An amusing incident while waiting – I was sitting on the edge of a fountain while Laurie was off doing something and as I sat there a very drunk guy of the “bro” persuasion sat down nearby. He was very definitely hammered. Eventually Laurie returned and shortly thereafter his girlfriend also showed up in a pretty drunk state.

I’m not sure what happened next exactly, but either he fell or he was pushed. In either case, he was hanging backwards in the fountain while his girlfriend was desperately trying to keep him from falling all the way in. I stepped up and helped fish him out.

Once the ten minutes that it was supposed to take the family to get out of their restaurant had turned to thirty Laurie and I stole the kids and headed back in to the Universal Hollywood Studios park.

Basically we hit three rides there. Spiderman, Hulk, and The Mummy.

Spiderman was mostly a 3D ride on a rail. And pretty good for it. I think the fact that it was on a rail is one of the reasons why it didn’t make me dizzy but I’ll have to think about that.

The Mummy was much like Indiana Jones in Disneyland, but obviously Mummy themed. And the Brenden Fraiser Mummy thank you. This one was also pretty damn good. Very enjoyable. Someone did decide to have a political statement though as somewhere along the few days we were there they had managed to get a red “Make America Great Again” hat on to one of the animatronic mummies. It wasn’t there the first time through for my sister-in-law, but it showed up later. And for all I know it’s still there.

But the real winner on this set of rides was definitely Hulk. Hoo-boy! This is one of those hanging coasters, lots of corkscrews and upside down outside loops. The really awesome thing though is that like many coasters it has that initial uphill climb but halfway through that turns into a magnetic launch system. So you’re slowly going “click-click-click” up the track and all of the sudden you go from that to “WHOOSH” as it shoots you out the end of a cannon! Which, by the way, ROARS like The Hulk.

We took the extra few minutes to ride the front car there just as we did with the dragons in Harry Potter Land. And Holy-Crap was that worth it! Definitely a kickass coaster!

Now this is just two days in and we still haven’t actually gotten to any of the Disney stuff yet. But now it’s time.

The next day we headed over to Disney Hollywood Studios. Think of this as roughly the same as California Adventure in Anaheim. Our goal here was to ride The Tower of Terror as we no longer have one here.

This is where things get interesting. We had been experiencing difficulties all along due to the fact that we have become so well versed in our Disney experience that doing these parks were confusing. Trying to figure out where this thing or that thing was involved a lot more work than usual.

But we found our way to the Tower relatively easily and it was great. More elaborate exterior, but the ride itself had some interesting differences, including a long horizontal portion through mirrored hallways and extra set dressing. But the same ride in the end and well worth the trip for us.

While there we saw The Beauty and The Beast live show which was fun, did Toy Story Mania and Muppet*Vision 3D. All of these were pretty much exactly the same as in California Adventure but things we love to hit so worth it. In general everything had a more elaborate exterior given that the parks in general have more space. Among other things this does make being in line more tolerable simply because more of the lines are INSIDE! More air conditioning! YAY!

We hit Tower of Terror a second time and then finished up with dinner at The Brown Derby. Basically contemporary American cuisine in a “Golden Age of Hollywood” setting. We had a great waiter from Jamaica named Jerry. Food was outstanding. I would definitely go back to that place again.

Last day – The Magic Kingdom!

So, this is Disneyland but bigger. I mean, exactly the same layout, but with more room. So, you go up Main Street, you have big circle in the center, you have all the lands laid out radially and in the same order. Now, those navigational instincts of ours were usable again. It was definitely a case of “well, it should be over there if they’ve stayed the same” and we were always pretty well on target.

A brief digression. Normally I don’t care about FastPasses. This is because I don’t like the hassle of running from place to place to try and get them at the beginning of the day. They’ve solved this problem via the DisneyWorld App. If you have an account, you can tie your tickets or Annual Pass to the account and you can then start reserving FastPasses directly on your phone. There are limitations, but they aren’t unreasonable ones and we definitely took advantage of this. If Disneyland adopts this (and I know that they are working on it) I will be much more likely to use them in the future.

Anyway, we scheduled FastPasses for ourselves at Space Mountain, Pirates, and The Haunted Mansion. These were the important ones for obvious reasons. Our passes for Space Mountain weren’t until late in the evening. The rest were early in the day. But we had enough time that we headed straight to Space Mountain and rode it first.

I have to say I was a tad disappointed.

The environment was great! But the ride didn’t have the same speed and kick as ours does. It was good, really. But when I get off of Space Mountain in Anaheim, I’m totally adrenalin rushed. It’s a kick in the chest. This one just didn’t have that same level of UMPH that I love so much.

Pirates and Haunted Mansion both were practically identical to ours and definitely fun for that! Haunted Mansion doesn’t have the Hat Box Ghost though. Not surprising, but we noticed it’s absence.

We also hit Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, The Tiki Room, and The Little Mermaid.

There were many other things we could have hit if we had more time. Clearly a return trip is in order, but that might be a while.

Finally we headed from there to Disney Springs. Think of this as Downtown Disney but not close enough to any parks to make it easily accessible. It’s Commerce Land. There are tons of shops, including the dress show that Laurie really wanted to go to that does Disney Themed retro style dresses. Next fancy dress up party people are going to see something interesting I think.

And our final meal with the family was at Morimoto’s Asia. Another good meal in a really good place. Very fancy.

There were plenty of pictures to be had as any of you who saw my Facebook feed knows. Some pretty spectacular stuff all the way around. And I came home with a fair number of treasures, mostly pins to add to my collection both from Disney and Harry Potter Land.

I’m sure I would like to return at some point, but I love my Disneyland. I’ll have to try the Harry Potter Land at Universal down here. I know it’s not as extensive but I’d like to see it for myself. That may become a part of the planning for the next Laurel/Apprentice trip going forward.

The thing that I love so much about being able to do all of this is that it does inspire my creativity. Looking at even the smallest details of places like this gives me a lot of ideas.

I wonder if I can write off the expenses as “research” for my business. Hmmm, where are those receipts.

Anyway, that’s what I did on my Summer Vacation.

A Further Point of Reference

If you are reading me there is a reason. Could be you like what I write. Could be you don’t. I don’t know. And I won’t say that I don’t care because that isn’t true.

What is true however is that if you are going to read me then you need to understand something about me.

I am an extremely passionate personality. And that passion can, and does, express itself in dramatic ways. What that means is that when I am genuinely happy I can be giddy and generous and hugely demonstrative. When I am genuinely hurt I can spiral into a deep depression that absolutely no one can get me out of.

And when I get angry I will express it in no uncertain terms. I will push all that anger out at top volume.  Mainly because long ago I learned that once I was done with it than I would be totally done with it and it wouldn’t weigh me down anymore.  And that right there is my biggest problem. I own it. I’ve made that mistake in the past. I’ll make it again in the future. So be it.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize it for the massive flaw that it is, or that I don’t take responsibility for it. I’ll do whatever I have to in order to make things right that I have made wrong. Because when you are like me, that is what you do. I’ve done it in the past. I’ll continue to do it for the rest of my life. So be it.

In conversation tonight I made the observation that the problem is not that my compass is broken, just that I don’t have a good control over my “proportional response.” That is about as accurate an assessment as I can give.

And I know that in the eyes of many people that makes me the bad guy. For years I have heard the mutterings of “arrogant asshole” and worse. Okay, well, I can’t do much about that without changing myself at such a fundamental level that I wouldn’t be me anymore. Sorry to say that, but it is what it is.

None of which is an excuse. Just an explanation. A snapshot of the person who writes these words you are reading, both good and bad.

Now, once again, let me be clear. As clear as I know how to be –

I do not for one moment believe that the people who were hurt in this situation should be the focus of any of this. They are working on their thing as they need to and that is what needs to happen. If I have given anyone the impression that they should be the focus of this then that is my responsibility and I’m asking you now to please give them the space they need to do what they need to do.

If you need to give me my comeuppance for making things worse with my previous post, so be it. I’ll take that. I’ve already explained myself but I recognize full well that those words were very much in the heat of the moment. I will also say that my own personal rules are that if I make a public blunder then I’ll make a public apology in exactly the same forum. That’s what all of this is.

So to those of you whose lives were made much more complicated by my words (you know who you are) I am sincerely sorry for that. You need to know that everything I have said has been born out of my truest emotions and my deepest need to protect the people I care about as well as the people they care about. The whole family. The whole picture. Being a protector is a characteristic that has defined me for my entire life. Sometimes I’m even good at it. Take all of that for what it is worth.

As to the rest….

I do think that the problem lays on the people who broke the rules, but they don’t deserve to be anything more than scolded. And that is what I mean by the problem I have with my “proportional response”. When I wrote what I wrote my anger was coming out but I wanted nothing more than for that to be a scolding and to reflect the depth of the pain that was caused. To bring to light a problem that exists that has vexed myself and others over the years in the integrity of our councils. The difference being that this time there were serious and real consequences that were caused by a breach of a simple rule that should not have been broken.

Fear causes fight or flight responses. I have a lot more fight than I do flight. When something big gets dropped on me that makes me fear for someone then I respond.  And that is what gets me in to trouble. We all become protective of people we care about. When those people are hurt so deeply we want to respond not just to heal them, but to punish those who hurt them. The greatest mistake I have made is that I let my anger rule my words with regards to this.

So in that light I apologize as well. Yes, I am angry about what happened, but no one deserves the level of anger that came out of me. If I had been doing what I should have been doing all along then I would have responded more “proportionally”. I don’t know that they will ever see this. But everyone else who reads my words will at least understand why, and that is good enough for me. I hope it will be good enough for them as well.

The truth is that we should not care about the who. What we should care about is that it happens at all and that somewhere along the line some of us have lost the thread of what our responsibilities are as Peers sitting in a council. We have the power to do a great deal of harm. We have the power to do a great deal of good.

Sitting in a council means that we, collectively, have at our disposal the best possible self correcting system of judgement that we can make. When one of us goes outside of how that system works it undermines the very power a council actually has. It weakens us all.

And sometimes it hurts the very people we are supposed to be trying to foster along on a very important path.

There are several conversations that need to take place. Some of them will take place with me. Some of them will take place without me. I am, in fact, quite sure that people who are my friends won’t want to talk with me for awhile about this or much of anything else. It’s a familiar pattern.  I am quite certain that I have created a great deal of animosity in my direction. I’ll accept that too. That is being said, by the way, with no sense of self pity. It is nothing more than an observation about how some people work and how social dynamics work. I may not always have the best social skills but I do have a pretty damn deep understanding of them. Might be part of why I act the way I do. I’ll have to think about that.

In the end, you need to take away one important thing from what I am writing here; that I am deeply sorry for the over reaction of my previous post and the difficulties it may have caused people I care about. I hope that I have explained myself. If I haven’t, or you feel you need to know more, I’m not hard to find.

The Deliberations of The Council…

If you are Peer in this Kingdom (The West) then you know this rule:

The Deliberations of The Council are secret.

You don’t have to agree with that rule.  You just have to follow it.

Yet I have now over the years of my involvement as a Peer had to deal with multiple times where some idiot decided they could violate that rule. Most of the time this has not resulted in a lot of difficulty in the long run but it does cause problems. And I have never once seen a situation where doing so improved anything. It only causes pain and resentment. But this time…..

This time is different. Why?




And let me be painfully clear about this — if you have never dealt with someone who has uttered those words in such a way that you can’t tell where they are on their emotional scale, then you have to understand something:  You don’t take a chance that it might be hyperbole.  You stick it out, do your best to control your own emotions, and you gently work on finding a way to pull them back from those words until you at least feel like they are safe again.  And you keep your finger hovering over the appropriate phone numbers on your phone until you have assured confidence that they are back in a managed place.

In case you are thinking something along the lines of “well, they are over reacting” let me point something out to you.  You DON’T know how bad it can get for someone. You DON’T know how much pain you can cause in someones life because you FUCKING DON’T KNOW what state THEY ARE ALREADY IN, what trials they have already been dealing with, how much pain they are currently managing, or how much disruption to their lives they already have.  Sometimes all it takes is adding one more thing to the pile to push someone over the edge.

The deliberations of the council are secret because as Peers we will INEVITABLY find ourselves having to evaluate our friends and loved ones. If you don’t think that happens you are delusional.  That means that sooner or later, as a PEER, you are going to find yourself having to decide if your best buddy/girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse really has been doing what they need to do, or if they have a bad habit, behavior, or PR problem that is holding them back, and more importantly IF YOU HAVE THE BRASS BALLS IT TAKES TO STAND UP AND SAY SO!

Unless you opt to not be there, which is a perfectly understandable choice.  I will say only one thing about that choice — if you aren’t there to explain then you aren’t there to explain and that can mean that a misinterpretation or misrepresentation can be perpetuated without any realization at all from anyone.  The council might not make the best decision if they don’t have all the facts.  That’s true no matter what the situation is.

But if you are there then at the very least you should have the confidence to be able to rely on that one simple rule as you stand up and say something like “Look, I love this person, but I have to say something here that is going to hurt….”

It’s hard enough to get up and say something negative about a person you care about without also having to take the time to say to yourself “well, so-and-so is sitting in council today, so I know if I say anything then I might as well just post it on Facebook because they sure as fuck are just going to blab anyway.”

There are ways we have to deal with what gets talked about in council.  Ways to get a proper level of information out of the council to the appropriate people without having to hurt anyone or circumvent that one simple rule, and yes, we’re human beings who make mistakes. A perfect storm of miscommunication can AND DOES happen.  It sure as hell is happening this time.  There is a lot of perfectly legitimate pain and anger to go around here. But anyone who takes the council discussion outside of the council directly to candidates IS NOT HELPING ANYONE!!! ALL YOU ARE DOING IS CAUSING HARM, DISHONORING YOURSELF, AND THE PEERAGE YOU ARE PART OF!!!


If nothing else, you aren’t even reporting the actual facts.  You are, at best, repeating words out of context and adding your own SELF RIGHTEOUS BULLSHIT to them.

If you have a problem with something someone says in council than you talk to that person in council.  Or you talk to that person outside of council about why they have taken the stance they have taken.  If you feel like you’ve been lied to or misrepresented then you deal directly and privately with that person ONLY!  You don’t dump any of this on the candidate!  THEY DON’T KNOW ANY OF THIS AND NO MATTER HOW “ACCURATE” YOU THINK YOU ARE BEING, YOU ARE STILL DOING NOTHING MORE THAN PLAYING THE SHITTIEST GAME OF TELEPHONE EVER!!!


We are FUCKING PEERS, and this rule EXISTS and you KNOW IT EXISTS and you KNOW WHY IT EXISTS!

And until YOU are the one who has to talk down a person who has been hurt so deeply that the word “suicide” creeps into the conversation because some SELF RIGHTEOUS MORON couldn’t follow one simple rule, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING about just how bad a situation like this can be and you sure as hell don’t have any kind of moral ground to stand on.

(Note: Yes, I know at least one of the culprits.  I have my suspicions about the involvement of at least three others.  I wish I was surprised at the possibilities of who it is.)

Graduation Day

A lot of things going on the past couple of months. My magic business is actually beginning to roll via the gigs I’ve done with Mirror Speaks The Truth. I’ve been building a lot of infrastructure and developing marketing. I’ve also been visiting restaurants to determine which ones I want to start working at. I feel like there is a lot there. But all of that will have to wait for another article.

Today I want to talk about my apprentice graduating.

Two days from now she will no longer be my apprentice. She will be a Laurel.

She has been a Peer for some time now, being a member of the Order of The Pelican. I think that she is a pretty good one. And she has done well.

But there is also no denying that her heart has been with the Laurel. She hasn’t always been my apprentice. She has had two other Laurel’s before me; one in CAID and one here in The West. She has been my apprentice for nearly 15 years. How long she was apprenticed before then is, well, in the mists of time.

So she has been dedicated to the idea of Peerage for the Arts and Sciences for a long time.

I won’t speak to her time with anyone else. But with me, it was a different story.

Part of that story begins with my own Laureling.

I am the first in the history of the SCA to be Laureled for Performance Magic. Since then there have been a couple of additions to this tiny clan. But being the first is a bit overwhelming. When I was first apprenticed it wasn’t for this. It was for jewelry making, specifically cut work jewelry, though I’m sure if I had kept it up I would have branched out into other directions eventually.

When I found my true passion there was a brief bit of time where there was consideration about whether or not I could stay apprenticed to people who knew nothing of the art I would eventually “graduate” with. But that was quickly resolved. My Laurel’s acted as guides in making sure my PLQ’s were in place and that my scholarship was worthy. The rest was up to me.

On the day that I was Laureled, hell, within minutes of being Laureled I was approached by someone who asked to be my apprentice. I mean that I had literally just finished the ceremony, stood with my back against the wall at the back of the room, and a person walked up, started a conversation with me and “popped the question.”


I don’t hold that against them. They weren’t thinking about me at the time, and honestly what they were interested in learning would have fit pretty nicely with what I had just achieved in terms of the historical research context. But I knew instantly, based on so much of what my Laurel’s taught me, that this would be a bad idea. I politely declined and set the rule that I wouldn’t even consider such a question for at least a year. I needed the time to get my legs under me as it were.

Now a quick gear shift. As a magician I am often asked “How did you do that?” Not a surprise, right? You understand how that happens. Another popular question is “Can you teach me that?” followed by “Can you teach me a trick?”

All of these questions are normal, and expected. But if you happen to ask them of a magician you are likely to get a flip answer back. This isn’t because we are being rude, but rather because chances are pretty good we’ve already figured out that you don’t really want to know. “How did you do that?” is a question generated by you being startled and/or amazed. “Can you teach me that?/Can you teach me a trick?” are questions that only give us a clue about who you are. We might respond with something flip just to see how persistent you are. After all, there is some serious dedication needed here.

But that’s not the question she asked. “Can you teach me to be a magician?” That’s the question she asked. And it made all the difference. That question opened up a genuine dialog about why, and dedication, and everything else that needs to be asked in order to determine if someone really has what it takes to be a magician.

And I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s some big super special deal that only the elite can do. It’s more about knowing that there are secrets to learn and secrets to keep and that in order to be good you have to be willing to dedicate yourself to the art. Like any serious undertaking. We who already are magicians are the gateway to others and if we’re serious about it we only want to introduce people who are truly interested to the deeper levels.

So she became my apprentice.

And then, in a funny twist of history repeating itself, she found a different course to follow. Related but different. She decided that she was going to pursue the art and history of Divination.

That was some time ago.

It took me as long as it did because not only did I have to forge my own path, I had to also educate my audience enough so that they could get an understanding of what I was doing.

It has taken her as long as it has because not only did she have to forge her own path, she had to also educate her audience enough so that they could get an understanding of what she was doing. And, on top of that, overcome certain prejudices that might get attached to the idea of someone “officially” being recognized by the SCA for something so esoteric.

It has been a long road. It has had many ups and downs. It has been fraught with difficulties of all kinds, both SCA and mundane. It has been filled with laughter and discovery. It has been enlightening.

I am laughing at the moment because I want to say that if I had known how this was going to turn out…., but of course I’m not the diviner. She is. That’s what she is going to be after this weekend. The first ever Laurel for Divination.

I am proud that I am the first for my art. I am doubly proud that she is the first for hers. My other apprentice looks like she might be on the verge of forging her own path as well.

I sort of like the idea of a family of firsts.

But however it comes out, there is one thing that is certain; she has her future to look forward to as the first Divination Laurel. She will get to set her path and be an example to others who might choose to follow her. She has labeled herself “The Seeress of The West” and that is a great deal of fun and a great way to start her journey as a Laurel.

And yes, I am proud.

Good fortune to The Seeress of The West!

2016 Sucked! Now That We’ve Gotten That Out Of The Way…

9de95cf22a061aeda049c1cf1d1843a8Yeah, 2016 sucked. We lost so many wonderful people while we have been left with so many terrible ones. But as much as these losses have had an impact on me in the moment of their discovery, their long term reach is pretty minimal. I didn’t know Alan Rickman, or Gene Wilder, or Carrie Fisher, or any of the rest of the people we’ve lost. I’ll miss their contributions, the joy they brought to their fans, the beauty and art they created that inspired me.

They won’t carry on forward and create more. But we have a library of wonderful that we can always refer to and that is very important. If, for no other reason, it is a very important reminder that anyone can do something that inspires others and can leave a legacy that will be appreciated long after they are gone. Do you have a legacy? Maybe it’s time to think of what that might be and how you can make it happen.

We’ve lost our country to a foreign backed narcissist and I think that the people who supported him are going to very quickly discover how bad things are going to get for all of us. I am grateful to my friends who are/were supporters for the conversations we are having so that I can learn more, but I do think we’re all in for a lot worse of a ride than we would have been if things had gone the other way. Time will tell.

Regardless of any of that the real question is “what are you going to do about it?” Yes you.

You see right now the temptation is for everyone to withdraw and to do everything they can to protect themselves. But if you recall, that’s pretty much exactly what everyone has been doing for a long time now and it really hasn’t helped. If anything it’s isolated us from each other and made it easier for us to be divided and conquered. Fear drove us apart and made it easier to take us down.

It is when we work together, when we look out for each other, and when we stand up to the things that are wrong that progress is made.

There are plenty of ways that you can do this. All you have to do is pick something and support it. Join the ACLU (I did). Volunteer your time at a shelter. Donate to a cause. Whatever it is, the point is that you are doing something.

That is the point I think I want to make this last day of 2016. Do something. Whatever you can, as much as you can, with whatever you’ve got.

We’ve been devastated by a lot of things this year. We’ve been devastated by people, politics, and problems of society. We’ve been trapped, tricked, and told lies by news and social media. It’s enough to make you want to pull the blankets up over your head and hide.

Hiding didn’t help. It’s time to try something different.

I’ve been thinking about “resolutions”. For starters I don’t believe in them. It seems that few people really make them any more and you hear a lot more about people failing them than you ever hear about people keeping them.

I do believe in goals. I’ve set goals and made them. It’s something to do with the mindset of working my goals.

I’ve set goals for my health. I’ve set goals for my magic. I’ve set these kinds of goals in the past. I usually make them just fine, but it’s time to think about different things as well.

So I have set myself some all knew goals. I want to grow more as a person and the path I see is to reach out much further than I ever have before and embrace an even broader view of the world.

So this is my promise –

2017 will not be a year filled with depression from dying celebrities. I will mourn their loss, but I will celebrate their contributions.

2017 will not be a year filled with political anger. I will do everything I can to stand up for what I believe in but I will not disregard the other side just because it is the other side. I will confront ideas I think are bad or wrong, but not people.

2017 will not be a year filled with hopelessness. No matter what it throws at me I will strive to see things as opportunities to learn and grow instead of excuses to be defeated.

Are these reasonable goals? I don’t know. Will I be able to maintain them? Only if I remember these are the promises I making to myself. I’ll make sure there are ways for me to keep these goals in front of me.

No matter what I urge you to not hide. I urge you to do something, anything, that brings you together with like minded people, actively working to keep people working in positive directions despite anything arrayed against you.

I also urge you to do something that brings you together with people who have different views that you can work with, learn from, and teach too. Because if there is any lesson that needs to be learned more than anything else it’s that bridging the gaps is the only way to beat a system that tries to divide us.

Never give up on yourself, never give up on the people that matter to you, and never give up on the things in this world that need to be defended, protected, and shared with all of us.

We do not get better on our own. We get better with each other.

R&D and The SCA Board of Directors

A while back, due to the articles I wrote about titles, I was asked if I wanted to be a nominee to The Board of Directors of The SCA. I agonized over the decision but decided to put my name in for it.

I agonized over the decision because the BoD (Board of Directors) is the single most hated aspect of the SCA. They are hated because of what has become a seemingly monolithic black box of rules lawyering, policy making, and reactionary behavior that, in my nearly 30 years in the SCA has not led to a single decision that has benefited the populace of the game in anyway that shows that having this entity is worth while.

Now, let me be absolutely clear about this – I don’t know what goes on with the BoD for the most part. I am certain that there are things that the BoD has dealt with that have been a benefit, but that most of the membership simply don’t know about because it’s not “news worthy”. Much like the job a lot of IT professionals have, if they are doing it right you will never notice it. You’ll only see them when things are going wrong.

The BoD has this same issue.

But this is the only bit of “defense” I am willing to offer up on their behalf. This is what is called “giving the benefit of the doubt.”

So, the current situation with the “R&D” (revocation and denial) of two members of our kingdom who have been outstanding individuals, one of whom is a multi-Peer of at least 30 years, has come as a shock.

It has been pointed out that there was enough evidence to warrant an investigation of a situation that involved money collection and handling around an event, but not directly tied to the event funds themselves. If there is one thing that the BoD responds to its money.

But here is where the process breaks down.

The BoD launched an investigation. The people being investigated had no idea. They didn’t know anything about it. They didn’t hear anything about it. They were left completely out of the loop. When they finally did hear about it, they were informed that they were accused AND convicted of wrongdoing, but were not informed of who their accuser was or even the list of things, except in vague generalities, that they had been accused of.

So, without benefit of anything even remotely resembling “due process” two people who have dedicated a huge amount of time, effort, resources, to an organization built on the concepts of honor, chivalry, and courtesy have been denied any right whatsoever to address the charges and otherwise clear their name. Not only that, but they have been removed, permanently, from an organization which they love by a body of individuals who barely participate at all and who seem to have forgotten everything the organization actually stands for.

Now there is a cost in this. A serious impact.

That impact is the loss of faith in the SCA at large. It is an understandable reaction but I think that it is not the right reaction.

You see it’s not the SCA that has created this situation. It is the BoD. It is the monolithic black box of secrecy that has caused the BoD to be mistrusted. It is the flawed procedures of a governing body who has lost touch with what the SCA is actually about.

I am certain that there are a whole host of “legal reasons” why the BoD conducts its investigations the way that it does, but it seems that this process is deeply flawed when compared to the actual investigation process of real world legal proceedings. I’m sure that lawyers looking to protect the umbrella organization that is SCA Inc have used their skills to create a system designed to maximize the protections of their interests.

But in that process it has clearly lost it’s humanity. It has clearly lost sight of the fact that we are dealing with people, both flawed and great. People make mistakes. Even the BoD makes mistakes.

People of honor and integrity work to correct those mistakes. They work together to find solutions, to meet out justice that is balanced and appropriate when necessary, and they allow for a world where acting from a place of honor allows them to make that world better.

That is a lesson the BoD seems to have forgotten.

Now, I am seeing more and more people who are giving serious thought to abandoning their participation in the SCA altogether. At the very least many are making statements about no longer volunteering to run events knowing as they do now that if there is even the slightest chance someone might get suspicious over completely innocent actions that it could result in just as reactionary a response. There are people who very reasonably feel that the BoD does not have our best interests at heart.

While so many others are heading for the door, I am sitting here considering the fact that my name is on that list of nominees for a BoD position. I have been considering whether or not I still want that chance or if I have become just as disillusioned as so many others are right now.

I’ve decided to stay on the list. My reason for staying is exactly the same as why I choose to accept the nomination in the first place; the best way to change a thing is from within. I don’t know that I will ever get on the BoD or not. But if I do I know that this is one of the things I think I would change. I would want to work with both the BoD and the populace to find a way to make these unfortunate proceedings more reasonable, more workable, and more just for everyone.

In the meantime what can we do?

Write. For my readers in this kingdom who are more aware of these specific events, write about this. For my readers in other kingdoms consider events you know about that are similar in nature and write about those. This problem isn’t specific, it’s systemic. It happens everywhere.

Maybe, just maybe, if the BoD hears from enough of us we can get the ball rolling on this kind of change.

If you want to write to the BoD as a group you can use the following email address:

Could “The Eye” Be Real?

In the movies “Now You See Me” and “Now You See Me 2” the central plot is encompassed by a secret society of magicians known as “The Eye”. This organization has supposedly existed since ancient Egypt as a group who has used their skills to right social injustices.

Now, before you start worrying about me becoming a conspiracy theorist, let me reassure you that I don’t think “The Eye” as portrayed in the movies actually exists, or even could exist. However I do have an interesting social idea lurking around in my head about this, and I think that it could be a thing in and of itself.

In the interest of full disclosure I need to make it clear that I have very strong visceral reactions to both of these films. Not just because I am a magician but because there is a form of idealism and justice in these movies that I react to. These movies are very “Robin Hood” in nature; taking from the rich and giving to the poor. And by way of a slight digression, “Robin Hood” historically was believed to be based on a number of different people, one of whom is in my own family tree according to the genealogy that has been done by my family. I have a certain level of identification with idealism and justice.

I certainly identify with wanting to make the world a better place and with using magic as a way of touching people’s lives.

Now there are tons of logistical reasons why many of the things portrayed couldn’t actually work, but that isn’t the point. No heist movie, based on magicians or anything else, actually would have enough ways to beat the reality they are up against.

But what if magicians took a real lesson from these movies, from what is really underlying them, the idea that magic can bring about change for the better, and embraced that as a part of their characters and presentations?

I am lucky in that the magic community that I am most a part of actually does believe that magic is real in a very special way. We know that what we do is trickery, gimmickry, artistry. We also know that magic happens in the minds and hearts of the people we entertain. That all our skills and tools are meant to accomplish only one thing – an emotional response.

Most of the time, 99% of the time, that emotional response is astonishment.

Unfortunately far to large a percentage of that is mixed in with a certain amount of disgust at how badly audiences and volunteers are treated. And certainly there is a real level of confrontation because of magicians who come out with the attitude of “I’m going to fool you and you can’t catch me.”

But the community that I am attached to looks back to the lessons learned from ancient cultures and what their magic was. Not necessarily the slight of hand trickery, but the implications of contacting spiritual realms and learning lessons from “gods, ghosts, and the spiritual realm”.

It’s not that far a leap really. Those lessons were, as a general rule, the same kind of socially just and responsible messages we want to share today. Everyone can dream, everyone can become something special, everyone has greatness in them, be kind to one another.

Some of the best magic I have ever done has helped people feel better about themselves, helped them heal, helped them release stress in their lives. It can be done.

By way of example I was sitting with a friend a number of years ago who was experiencing a very high level of stress over a class they were taking. So much so that they were having trouble sleeping and where on the verge of tears at any given time. I performed a piece of magic just for them which was all about helping them get passed things that hold us back and stress us out. When I was done they were in tears. The best kind of tears, tears of release that helped them let go of the things that were upsetting them.

That was years ago and I still remember how much good I felt I was doing for them. Occasionally it comes up in conversation and they tell me how much it helped them. Clearly this is magic that had a lasting impact and that is what all magicians who really care about what they are doing are striving for; to create magic that makes a difference.

What if “The Eye” was not so much an organization, but instead a choice? A goal for magicians to strive for?

What if being a part of “The Eye” meant that magicians decided to be dedicated to creating magic that was all geared towards building people up, teaching moral and ethical lessons, inspiring people to do great things and strive to be what they dream themselves to be? Wouldn’t that be a way to impact society, to provide a kind of social justice? Wouldn’t that be a way to help people, heal people, and inspire them?

I know of magicians who incorporate inspirational stories and themes in to parts of their act. I know some who tell stories of healing and wisdom.

When I got started doing this stuff I was trying to find my way and I had no role models. When I went to my first Mystery School I found role models; magicians who cared so much about their art and it’s origins and it’s underlying meanings. They were teachers and they created in me a desire to create something great.

They talk about the responsibility of our art and the possibilities of the things we can create.

And so I wonder, in a way could “The Eye” be real?

Not A Source of Wisdom

13406845_1241316559236376_4997696774791406979_nOkay, it’s no secret that I am an atheist. And a fairly vocal one at that. But just so you have some background here before I go on to something challenging, you should know that for years I was Christian, grew up going to Church every Sunday, and even attended a Christian school for most of my middle school and junior high years.

So why the change? There are a lot of reason, but the things I’m about to go in to now really do sort of drill down into the heart of it all.

And why am I doing this now? Because the recent tragedies pretty clearly have a motivating factor that I think is core to the whole problem, and this meme ties in to it in such a way that it made my teeth itch.

Yesterday something went past me that talked about the source of the recent mass shootings as being “toxic and violent masculinity.” This really made me mad. It made me mad on two levels; the first being the broad brush misuse of the terms (which I addressed with some people on Facebook and won’t rehash here), the second being what I consider to be the real source of these problems that underly the motivations and education of the people who do commit these mass shootings; bigotry, intolerance, and ignorance.

But what does any of that have to do with this meme?

I think that the source of all of this crap is religious. The point that I have made time and time again is that we are not born with hate. We are taught to hate. We learn hate from authorities in our lives; our parents, our teachers, and our religious leaders.

Where do parents and teachers get their prejudices from? From theirs or from their beliefs. Where do those beliefs come from? Religious leaders and their interpretations of scriptures. And whatever prejudices came along for the ride for them as well.

But we’re afraid to criticize religion in this country. We’re not allowed to. Because to do so automatically condemns us to hell. We’re automatically immoral if we stop and say “hey, this doesn’t make sense.”

And always there is the “God is love” set and the “not all Christians” set and plenty of other apologetics. And that’s why this meme is bugging me.

It’s the perfect example….

Jesus did, in fact, tell people to hate. Luke 14:26. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters–yes, even their own life–such a person cannot be my disciple.”

He wasn’t the most all inclusive guy either. Luke 12:51. “Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division.”

And fairly warlike. Matthew 10: 33-35. “But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father in heaven. Do not assume that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn ‘A man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.…”

If you were raised in a religious tradition that promotes the idea of “Father, Son, and Holy Spirit” as all the same entity then I simply need to point you to the *ENTIRE* Old Testament for examples of God/Jesus/Spirit demanding that his “chosen people” commit the slaughter of others who look different, who love different, who worship different. Even if you don’t follow that whole “Holy Trinity” bit I still refer you to the Old Testament.

And before anyone says “You’re cherry picking” or “not all Christians” I want you think about something.

My point here is exactly “cherry picking”.

It takes about five minutes of effort to find anything you want in the Bible to support either love or hate which is precisely what “all Christians” have been doing for centuries. The doctrinal differences of say, Catholics and Protestants are the results of cherry picking the parts that support the prejudices of the group in question. The Bible has been used to both justify AND condemn war, slavery, abuse, and a host of other crimes equally.

Here is the real challenging part of the thought….

If you are sitting there and reading this and thinking any thought that is even remotely related to “well I would never do those bad things in the Bible” then you and I are much closer than you might realize because you have a moral sense that supersedes the so called moral lessons of the Bible. You can sit there in judgement of GOD and say “this was right and this was wrong.”

If you can do that then you can open yourself to the thought that maybe, just maybe, all that stuff you were taught might not be inspired by the divine, but instead it might be the ramblings of people who had agendas. Or who were taught that “gays are bad” and “women are property” and “slavery is good” and “kill the evil ones in the name of God.”

You might even start to think, like I think, that as long as this kind of toxicity exists in our culture then there will always be people who will think that they are perfectly justified in picking up a gun and slaughtering people who don’t conform to their beliefs. As long as people can justify their actions through the teachings of a “loving God” as merciful killings than these killings will continue.

And let me just add that if you are thinking “well my religion isn’t like this” then you’ve missed the point. Any religion that creates an “us versus them” divide contains the seed that leads to tragedies like these. Any belief system that promotes a “chosen people” automatically sets one group over all the rest, the “haves vs have nots”. That is what radicalization actually is; taking that seed of destruction and growing it in to something powerful enough that it seems reasonable to pick up a gun or strap on a bomb and start killing people.

Now that I’ve said all of these things let me say what is on the other side as I see it.

Yes, there are many perfectly acceptable and even beautiful lessons to be learned from the Bible, or the Koran, or virtually any religious text you care to name. In fact many of them share variations on exactly the same beautiful lessons of love and tolerance and acceptance. If you want to draw your inspiration from those lessons feel free to do so. Much can be learned.

So in a way this meme is actually right even as wrong as it is.  Jesus (if he existed at all, but that’s an entirely different discussion!)  also said that we were supposed to love one another.  That’s a pretty simple lesson.

Just don’t let these lessons supersede your own intelligence. Learn all the lessons together as a cohesive whole. Judge them by your own standards and by the most simple of all lessons –

We’re all humans and we’re all in this together.

Or as so many of my friends have been known to say –

Don’t be a dick.

%d bloggers like this: